MORK: Na-no, na-no.
Ripped By mstoll
Daddy, my packages are gone.
What a bummer.
We've gotta get the kinks out of that lousy Orkan beam.
Oh, we've cross-beamed again.
This isn't the Jacuzzi.
You aren't Roxanne.
Give me my champagne.
Give me those glasses.
Wait. Just a second.
You perspire a lot, don't you?
I gotta get a little R & R.
Beam me up, Orson.
Wait a minute. You forgot to tell me if they kill off Spock or not.
I wonder what he's gonna do with Roxanne.
Anything he wants, son.
He's a captain.
Come on, let's go work on your science project.
Okay. Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't get stuck with this dinosaur diorama
- that Mommy made me. - Oh, come on now, son. Mom tried.
I didn't have the heart to tell her on Ork dinosaurs run the garment district.
Oh, look at what you've got though, son.
Boy, wait till your Orkan classmates get a load of this.
Oh, it's so good, they're gonna hate you.
Listen, don't put my Orkan classmates down, Daddy.
I tell you, there's one out there that's colonizing a planet.
Oh, ha, ha. That's amateur night in the Bijou.
Oh, but look, this home computer will not only answer the phone,
balance your checkbook, but also tell you why boneless chickens can walk.
- Daddy, Daddy. - You really pulled this one off.
Daddy, please, just for a moment, huh?
I believe this is my project.
- Do you wanna win? - Sure.
Just... Daddy, Daddy, just one other thing.
Don't put those two wires together.
Son. Son, you're talking to a man who splits atoms for a hobby.
Here we go, son. Watch. This is a great moment in science.
Daddy.
- Are you all right? - Sure.
Well, finish this before noon because it's not my project. Good luck.
[BEEPING]
MILT: Good evening, Mindy.
Hope you had a pleasant day.
- Who did that? - I did.
Care for a martini?
MINDY: Oh, uh...
[CHUCKLES]
Who are you? You're... What are you?
I am Mearth's science project.
A Modular Integrated Laser Transformer.
My friends, if I had any, would call me MILT.
Care for some toast?
Oh, no.
Thank you, MILT.
By the way, Mindy, let me be the first computer to congratulate you
on your broadcasting award nomination.
Thank you. Mork.
Mind, what do you think
of our little Mearth's science project here, huh? Heh.
I always said he had my brains and your love of shellfish.
Well, it sure looks impressive.
What does it do?
Mind, not only is MILT a notary public and a tax expert,
but it's a 24-hour security system and a promising amateur photographer.
Say "cheese."
- Look at this. - Oh.
He even airbrushed out the crow's feet around my eyes.
Sure beats the heck out of my diorama.
Even though the pterodactyl flew in it.
[BELL RINGS]
MILT: Your rump roast is now defrosted
and the oven has been preheated to 325.
Our vegetable for this evening is lima beans.
I hate lima beans.
Everybody does.
However, Mindy, I did perform a metabolic scan
that shows you are a little low in potassium.
Potassium.
Mearth, now, go wash your hands before dinner.
I should wash my face too.
Yes. And don't forget behind the ears.
Thank you for reminding me, MILT.
"Thank you for reminding me"?
For me to get him to do that, I need a whip and a chair.
You know, MILT,
I think this is gonna be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
You know something, Mind? I have this strange urge
to put on an ugly scarf, go to a supermarket
and squeeze grapes going, "Is Luke still married?"
Why do you have on my curlers?
Well, I've never been to a television awards banquet.
I thought it was some kind of tradition,
like when you pray before you go into a coal mine.
What?
- Wait. Take it... - Yeah.
- Bad idea, bad idea. - All right, all right.
Here, can you help me? My hands are shaking.
I can't seem to get it.
Okay, that's all right.
All right, here we go.
Mork.
- Mork. - Oh, well, don't be nervous.
Come on, let me hear your acceptance speech.
There we are. Come on. There you go.
Mork, I don't have an acceptance speech.
I'm probably not gonna win.
You think?
Oh, sure you will, hon.
Remember, when you do win, mention me and Mearth by name,
none of this "they know who they are" stuff.
- Okay. - All right.
Yeah, but what if I don't win?
Well, keep your speech real short.
And you'll still be my little pooter, precious.
Okay.
Where's my other shoe? Have you seen it?
I'll help you find it.
MILT: Mindy, I believe your shoe is under the bed.
- Oh. Thank you, MILT. - You're welcome.
MILT, what are you doing in here?
I have expanded.
I am now servicing the bedroom and bathroom,
and I'm going through your mail to eliminate any letters
that start "Dear concerned piano owner."
MILT, if anything is addressed to alien, it's mine.
- Of course. Oh, and, Mindy? - Yes, MILT?
You're wearing too much eye shadow.
I think I know how to put on my own makeup, thank you.
That's debatable.
I think MILT is getting a little too big for his oscillator.
Come on now, Mind, I mean, heh, he hasn't been wrong yet,
and besides, Mind, I think it's true.
I mean, we're talking raccoon city here.
I mean, it's all right, but, you know, early Liza Minnelli.
It's fine.
I'm so tired of doing homework.
Mearth, we achieve success in academia the old-fashioned way.
We earn it.
Come on, Mearth, Grandpa is waiting.
I prefer he stay and do his homework.
MILT, you don't understand.
Grandpa is babysitting. They're gonna watch the show together.
- Come on, sweetie. - I don't want to go to see the show.
I wanna see King Hussein on The Muppet Show.
- You're gonna go to Grandpa's... - I'm not going.
- Mearth... - "Mearth..."
You're gonna watch the awards show with Grandpa. Don't echo. Stop it.
- Here you go. - You're not going anywhere.
MILT, what do you think you're doing?
I was created and programmed to provide for your needs,
yet you continue to ignore my directives.
Mearth should be doing his homework,
you should take off half that eye shadow,
and as for you, Mork, even I don't know where to begin.
No one tells my family what it can do.
[YELLING]
Unless he can back it up with 20,000 volts.
Glad you see it my way.
Anyone care for a Pop-Tart?
MILT, come on now, you can't hold us hostage.
I mean, this is a big night for Mindy.
She waxed both legs.
MILT, we have to go to the awards.
Dad is babysitting Mearth. He's expecting us.
I've taken care of that.
[PHONE RINGS]
FRED: Hello? MINDY'S VOICE: Hi, Dad.
Dad, Mearth won't be coming over tonight.
We're taking him to the awards with us.
FRED: Oh, that's wonderful. I'll be rooting for you.
- Bye, honey. MINDY'S VOICE: Bye-bye.
I can't believe that MILT imitated my voice.
I can't believe you lied to your own father.
MILT, I want you to let us out of here now!
You really shouldn't yell.
You'll develop a node on your vocal cords.
Relax.
You're not going anywhere.
From now on, this house is your world.
I guess we're gonna be here for a long time.
Hope there's some 9000-day deodorant pads.
Mork, we can't stay here forever.
Of course you can.
I'll phone for the groceries,
pay the bills through your bank computer,
and every Saturday, we'll have a sock hop.
Number, please.
Daddy. Daddy, I think it's time.
He's gone far enough.
Are you ready? It's time for the finger.
What happened?
Well, the scientific technical explanation
is, Mind, he kicked our tush.
Oh, come on, MILT-y.
I mean, let us go.
It's my first nomination.
Look, I promise if you let us go, we'll come straight home.
We won't even stop for pizza.
How sincere.
Unfortunately, your increased heart rate belies your true intention.
Get off.
Maybe I was just thinking about winning the award.
I interfaced with the balloting computer.
You lost by a landslide.
- I lost. - Oh, sorry, pooter.
Frankly, I was surprised you were even nominated.
All right, that's it.
You can lock us in here and keep us prisoner,
but when you deny me the right to go to the awards
and sit there and lose with this phony smile on my face,
that's it.
You're nothing but a glorified toaster.
She didn't mean it. See, that's a term of endearment. Heh.
She calls me her little waffle iron.
Relax, Mindy, or as the kids say, "Kick back."
You know something, MILT?
You're absolutely right.
As a matter of fact, I think we should all go take a shower.
Yeah...
Yeah. That's right, MILT.
Family shower? I didn't think people did that in the Midwest, Mind.
This is the only room in the house where we can take our shower.
Okay, everyone, let's all take our shower
just like we do every week.
What's going on here?
- Are we pledging a fraternity? - Come on now, son,
this is how everyone used to shower after they saw Psycho.
Mama, he's gotta be kidding.
Are we all taking a shower together?
Of course we are.
Okay.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
MILT, can you hear us?
MILT, I have a question.
Great, he can't hear us with the water running.
Okay, Mork, we've gotta figure out a way to deactivate him.
Gotta work fast too,
or we'll run out of hot water and won't be able to wash our hair.
I don't wanna wash my hair.
I get soap in my eyes.
Nobody's gonna wash their hair.
Mork, we've gotta figure out how to pull the plug on MILT.
- Snuff MILT? - Snuff MILT?
Shh!
Aren't you being a little rash?
Couldn't we just force him to do an anti-drug film?
What's the matter with you?
Oh, come on, I'm cold. Can I have the middle now, please?
Thank you.
Mork, he's...
It's holding us captive here.
This is ridiculous.
We've gotta figure out how to pull the plug on him.
Oh, Mind, well, don't look at me. I mean, I just build them.
There's a union that bumps them off. Can you pass the soap?
- We're out of it. - Oh.
MORK: You've seen Harry Houdini, you've seen Harry Blackstone,
but you've never seen anything like the Magnificent Mearth.
Rex Reed said "intrinsic," Clive Barnes said "why?"
Assisting him is the wonderful shiksa goddess, Mindola.
And now the Magnificent Mearth will make a man disappear
before your very eye.
Sure.
Okay, could I have a volunteer from the audience, please?
MINDY: How about you, sir?
Oh, no, thank you. I just came here to see Mort Sahl.
Shame on you.
Oh, yes.
Will you step in there please, Daddy?
Incidentally, before I put Daddy in here,
there you'll notice are just some old dirty clothes
and a rather attractive space suit, and we have Bonzo and two other actors.
Okay. Now, Daddy, if you will get into the armoire.
- Step in, please. - Guess this should be one way
of getting out of my Columbia record contract.
- There we go. - Thank you.
I'm going to, at this very time, say something very difficult
that I've learned from Thurston and the late Houdini,
who fell 600 feet into...
Off the Brooklyn Bridge into very cold water.
These are the magical words:
[BABBLING]
Oh, my gosh, it worked.
Well, that's magnificent, Mearth.
Yes, I'd be impressed if I were some cheap pocket calculator.
Well, next, Magnificent Mearth will prove to you
that the hand is quicker than the electronic eye.
How true. How true.
[GRUNTING]
[SNEEZES]
It's time for... What do we see?
Yes.
Hankies, look at these.
Look at all those hankies.
Where did you get them?
I got these from all over my body.
That's it. That's the show, MILT, because it's good night.
Ha, ha! We're free.
We're free just like those little bottles of shampoo we get in the mail.
If we hurry, maybe we can get dressed real quick
and I can get the guy at the autograph... Get the guy...
Where do you think you're going?
MILT.
What a coincidence.
The charade is over, people.
Naturally, I anticipated an escape attempt,
so I switched over to nuclear power.
Of course, come summer, I shall go solar.
MILT, can we talk as two rational beings?
It was her idea, I tell you.
She made me do it.
Oh, please, don't hurt me.
I wanna have more children.
Stop groveling, man.
Relax. I would never cause any of you harm,
unless you try something stupid like that again.
Well, if you think we're just gonna stand around here
while you control our lives, you've got a screw loose, buster.
You're nothing but a mechanical dictator,
and we'll never stop fighting you, and we will win.
Who's she, Vince Lombardi's daughter?
You'll adapt in time.
After all, you have the rest of your natural lives.
The rest of our lives.
Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe it.
Not to have... Not to have ever seen the beach.
Not to have ever seen Disneyland.
Not to have ever, ever seen my toes.
[MIMICS HARMONICA]
[SINGS] Carry me home
Come on now. Come on, we've gotta cheer up.
I mean, we've still got each other.
We've got our health and we've got our sense of humor.
I mean, son, I mean, we can go out laughing. You know what I mean?
- I mean, hey, tell them that joke. - Sure.
That Orkan joke you learned at school.
Ha-ha-ha. Okay. Okay.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
[LAUGHING]
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm drowning.
[MILT LAUGHING]
"I'm drowning."
I never heard that one.
Mind. Mind, I think we've found MILT's Achilles' heel.
I never programmed him to laugh.
He's got a flaw.
- You've got a million of them. - Okay.
Seriously, it's so nice to be back here once again.
Hey, what do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
[LAUGHING]
How many Venutians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don't have arms.
No more. No more. You're killing me. I'm overloading.
I got one. I got one. How about a Venutian parachute?
- What happens to it? - It opens on impact.
Ha-ha-ha! Stop it. I'm gonna wet my circuits.
Keep going, keep going.
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says:
"Doc, I have this inferiority complex."
The psychiatrist says, "Well, get under the couch."
[LAUGHING]
I got one, Daddy. Okay.
What's green and red and goes 200 miles an hour?
- I don't know. What? - A frog in a blender.
- I got one. I got one. - Birdy, birdy, birdy.
It's my turn. Okay.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a gorilla?
Okay? You ready?
You get a gorilla with feathers.
No, no, no. Polly Kong. Polly Kong.
[MILT GROANS]
Oh, it was such a good joke.
I don't know. Whatever it is, if he still wants a cracker, you'd better get it.
Okay. Oh, thank you, Mind. We'll get back to you on that one.
You know, it's so nice to be back here.
You know, my neighborhood was so tough, guys used to bowl overhand.
Another friend of mine got arrested, they said you have one call.
He did a perfect blue jay. Okay?
Ha, ha! Stop it. Stop it. You're killing me. Ha-ha-ha!
Well, now, you know, the girls in my...
Girls in my neighborhood were no great shakes,
if you know what I'm saying. They were two-baggers.
That means you had to have one bag over your head in case hers broke.
Ha-ha-ha! No more. I'm overloading.
I can finish him off now. Okay.
The kid invites his friend over for lunch, the kid says, "I don't like your mother."
Then he says, "That's okay, just eat the vegetables."
Finally, I'm gonna finish him off now.
This blind guy walks into a department store, he's got his dog on a leash,
takes him to the clothing department, starts swinging him around.
Puts him down. This guy walks over, says:
"Can I help you?" He says, "No, thanks, I'm just looking around."
[LAUGHING]
Mork, is he...? Is he...?
Yes. Yes, Mind, MILT's dead.
Because he had a lousy sense of humor.
Thank God it's all over.
Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson. Come in, Your Funky Chunkyship.
ORSON: Make it quick, Mork. - Sir.
I'm expected at the intergalactic Conference and Cake Walk.
Oh, sir. This week, sir, I learned about the relationship
between man and machine.
You see, sir, the computer age has allowed man so much more spare time
to pursue the finer points of life, a greater education,
spiritual enlightenment, and the perfect tan.
It sounds like your wife's people
are becoming a highly practical and efficient race.
Well, they are, sir, but they're becoming a little dependent
on their technology.
Aren't Earthlings cute at that stage of evolution?
Oh, sir, wouldn't it be sad, though,
if tomorrow's children spend so much time playing video football
they'd never know the real joy of being tackled by a line-backer going:
"You're gonna bite it now"?
But, sir, what really worries me is that they're gonna lose the desire
and the ingenuity that allowed them to build the machines in the first place.
Just a little something to think about, sir.
Until next week, na-no, na-no.
Ripped By mstoll